I’ve seen people celebrate on Instagram about how we’re 6 months into the year and to give a photo of each month so far. If I was to jump on that trend, January to May would have been completely blank. So far I’ve not wanted to remember any of this year. I’ve been battling a chronic illness since late December 2021, and only really got ‘on top’ of it in May.
I’ve been learning to live with chronic dizziness because of a neck injury. Something that can and should recover, but I’ve been repeatedly told ‘it just takes time.’ After several visits to the doctor, a trip to A&E and a welcome into the world of osteopathy, my injury is at a point of recovery. A very long journey lies ahead of me to ‘get back to normal’ but so far my pace has been slow and I’ve had more wobbles than I can count. But I am getting closer to where I want to be.
As January to April was a washout of chronic illness to me, May brought something a lot more unexpected. My brother-in-law was diagnosed with terminal cancer and died 3 weeks later due to a complication. Watching someone in their 30s die of an aggressive cancer so quickly and so brutally…there are no words.
He was admirable with his diagnosis and his acceptance of what he had. He wanted some time to have one last train journey with his dad, but he didn’t get that. It just shows how time can be so short for us and we can take it for granted.
I have tried to write this for weeks. I look at my website and then leave within a short space of time because I cannot put into words how I am feeling and what is happening in my life. I think it’s because I’ve been too scared to. Writing something so personal and sharing it with people will always scare me. But my brother-in-law enjoyed writing and sharing his stories with the world - so why should I hide from it too?
I want to talk about it. I want to share and talk about the incredible wildlife that has supported me through my chronic injury and now my grief.
Birds have given me a sense of comfort that I knew I needed. I talk to my mother-in-law every day about what birds are visiting her garden and I’m enjoying hearing her excitement as new faces show themselves. We’ve been watching juvenile starlings learn how to feed themselves and watching as their adult feathers grow in.
How much better would life be if we were birds? Where we can indulge in food all day and not be concerned about our waistlines. We can fly away from problems and danger without having to feel the unbearable pain. We can even dare to fly further each day and see where it takes us or simply be able to stay in a place because it brings us comfort without thinking about money or calling ourselves lazy and useless.
On the days when I feel strong enough to pick up my camera, I’m never disappointed in what I get to photograph. The little feathered visitors to my garden have kept my creativity singing. Endless hours have been spent watching the birds. Watching with a smile on my face as the coal tit comes down and takes one seed away at a time. The house sparrows that huddle together and chirp on the trees. The goldfinches who squabble with each other all the time but stay together no matter what. The jackdaw with the proud chest at the top of the feeder. The starlings that absolutely love suet and will eat it all in the space of a few hours so I have to go back out again to fill it up, especially as there are many little starling mouths to feed now.
Then there’s the overjoyment of finally seeing the long-tailed tits come to the suet after weeks of hearing them sing in the trees. The bullfinch who would sit eating tree buds for months has finally come to the feeder.
And then there are the days where I feel able enough to go out on an adventure to see the ospreys at Dunkeld. To see my first ever brambling among the chaffinches. To see the ducklings at Glencoe Lochan obediently following their mum around the water.
This isn’t the year I’d hoped for and learning to live with the pain of losing someone on top of a chronic painful and debilitating illness just makes me feel numb.
I have so much that I want to do with this space. I want to do more with my photography. I want to write more about my adventures. I want to feel the creativity within come to life again. I want to be happy again. I want to do all the things I want to with the time that is given to me.
Because if anything, these last few years have proven things can easily change in a very short space of time. We need to stop fearing the unknown and hiding away and simply do what we can.
Here’s to more birds, more creativity, more enjoyment, more photos, and hopefully more happiness.